Friday, September 21, 2012

I think I'm ready...

I think I'm ready to let you all in on my "goings on" as of late.  I kind of have a nervous feeling in my stomach as I write, because I'm always worried about social mores and I might be crossing some lines in this post, but I'm taking that chance.
So I have been sick for the last 2 months, and it's because I'm pregnant. It's been a blessing that I've been sick, because I wasn't sick with my last one, and I lost it.  It's also been one of the largest challenges of my life.  I was sick with Isla, and threw-up and all that, but this has been a new level of sickness.  This has been 24hr nauseousness with round the clock dry-heaving, and evenings filled with throwing-up and loss of bladder control.  I have been on every holistic thing out there, and even the medications they prescribed me didn't work.  I have had more nights than I can count where I would just curl up on the floor and cry.  I watched the world go by out my window.  I never left the house, I had a hard time showering and getting dressed, and I had to have moms come help because I couldn't take care of Isla.  My mommy Cardon came at the tail-end of it when I was finally getting better during the day, because we were trying to keep it a secret to surprise them.  That was dumb.  We should have told her earlier, because I needed her earlier.
I am just now getting to where I can go to the store, and get ready.  I still get sick at night, but my quality of life is much better.  I had tons of guilt along the way that I've gained closure to. I wanted to document this, because it's OK to have these feelings, and I'll share what I have learned.
 a) I felt guilty for being such a bad mom. I couldn't take care of Isla like I wanted to. b) I wasn't excited about the baby, even though we prayed and tried and I wanted it so bad after I lost the last one. c) I felt like a big, huge, giant burden to everyone around me.
The two biggest lessons I've learned so far are:
1.) Someone is always going to have a trail that you are thankful you don't have.  I watched a show about a girl who went zip-lining and fell into a riverbed.  She cut her leg, and got a flesh-eating bacteria in it.  The result was she had to have both legs, and hands up to her elbows amputated. WOW! Was I ever thankful, that wasn't my trial! I can make it through mine, and it will end!
2.) Even if someones trial seems insignificant to you, it isn't to them! I been on both sides of this spectrum.  I've had people dismiss my suffering because I was "just pregnant".  I had a girl say to me, well my sister was sick like you except it lasted the whole nine months, and she had six kids! Really? She threw up everyday for 9months and never left the house and did that 6 times? I feel really small. I just wanted to cry.  Even though it seemed insignificant to her, it was a big deal to me.
I remember my sister telling me a concern of hers, and I almost laughed because it seemed so small to me.  How inconsiderate! It was a big deal to her.  If we want to help people, we need to sympathize with them! We're all in different places in our journey through life, and we're here to help each other out!!

If you are ever in a place in your life where you are suffering physically, you NEED to read "The Atonement Covers All Pain" by Kent F. Richards.  I had many many questions concerning faith and mercy while going through this trial, and he answers all of those questions in such a loving way, I just cried the whole way through it. Two of my favorite things (of many) in that talk were a quote from Orson F. Whitney, which read:
                             "No pain that we suffer, no trail that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire."
AND, this little insight:
"Christ CHOSE to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand US. Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand HIM and our eternal purposes."
To all of us the Savior said: "Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth." and "Fear not, little children for you are mine."
What comfort those words gave me, and I was blessed with them on a Sunday evening after a huge mental breakdown. Turns out feeling like you have the flu every day for two months will literally make you go crazy! Haha!
I want to end with one more blessings:
TIM!! Tim and I have had our ups and downs as every couple does.  At one point I closed myself off to him emotionally.  I didn't know how to be vulnerable. You can't let love in unless you're willing to be vulnerable.  Through this trail Tim has come home to a wife who looked (and sometimes smelled) like "for hell-sakes" had to get me food, do dishes, play with Isla, put laundry away, clean Isla's poop out of the tub (hehe) wake up with her when she was sick, (because if I was up too long in the night I would vomit and not be able to sleep) go grocery shopping etc, etc. Poor guy was worn out. But for some dang reason he still loved me.  He still held me at night, talked me out of my depression EVERY single time I had a meltdown, and the sweetest thing of all, he thanked me for sacrificing myself so we could grow our family.  My love for Tim has grown to depths I've never felt before.
So, as the Fiction Family song goes (that I sang incessantly):
Tell me I'm no longer
Tell me I'm not crazy
Well maybe just a little bit
Maybe just a little bit crazy
But mostly prove me wrong.

I'm a little bit crazy, but that's OK, it keeps me humble. Haha. This post was a lot, and I know that. I apologize if I've said to much, but this is me.