Friday, September 21, 2012

I think I'm ready...

I think I'm ready to let you all in on my "goings on" as of late.  I kind of have a nervous feeling in my stomach as I write, because I'm always worried about social mores and I might be crossing some lines in this post, but I'm taking that chance.
So I have been sick for the last 2 months, and it's because I'm pregnant. It's been a blessing that I've been sick, because I wasn't sick with my last one, and I lost it.  It's also been one of the largest challenges of my life.  I was sick with Isla, and threw-up and all that, but this has been a new level of sickness.  This has been 24hr nauseousness with round the clock dry-heaving, and evenings filled with throwing-up and loss of bladder control.  I have been on every holistic thing out there, and even the medications they prescribed me didn't work.  I have had more nights than I can count where I would just curl up on the floor and cry.  I watched the world go by out my window.  I never left the house, I had a hard time showering and getting dressed, and I had to have moms come help because I couldn't take care of Isla.  My mommy Cardon came at the tail-end of it when I was finally getting better during the day, because we were trying to keep it a secret to surprise them.  That was dumb.  We should have told her earlier, because I needed her earlier.
I am just now getting to where I can go to the store, and get ready.  I still get sick at night, but my quality of life is much better.  I had tons of guilt along the way that I've gained closure to. I wanted to document this, because it's OK to have these feelings, and I'll share what I have learned.
 a) I felt guilty for being such a bad mom. I couldn't take care of Isla like I wanted to. b) I wasn't excited about the baby, even though we prayed and tried and I wanted it so bad after I lost the last one. c) I felt like a big, huge, giant burden to everyone around me.
The two biggest lessons I've learned so far are:
1.) Someone is always going to have a trail that you are thankful you don't have.  I watched a show about a girl who went zip-lining and fell into a riverbed.  She cut her leg, and got a flesh-eating bacteria in it.  The result was she had to have both legs, and hands up to her elbows amputated. WOW! Was I ever thankful, that wasn't my trial! I can make it through mine, and it will end!
2.) Even if someones trial seems insignificant to you, it isn't to them! I been on both sides of this spectrum.  I've had people dismiss my suffering because I was "just pregnant".  I had a girl say to me, well my sister was sick like you except it lasted the whole nine months, and she had six kids! Really? She threw up everyday for 9months and never left the house and did that 6 times? I feel really small. I just wanted to cry.  Even though it seemed insignificant to her, it was a big deal to me.
I remember my sister telling me a concern of hers, and I almost laughed because it seemed so small to me.  How inconsiderate! It was a big deal to her.  If we want to help people, we need to sympathize with them! We're all in different places in our journey through life, and we're here to help each other out!!

If you are ever in a place in your life where you are suffering physically, you NEED to read "The Atonement Covers All Pain" by Kent F. Richards.  I had many many questions concerning faith and mercy while going through this trial, and he answers all of those questions in such a loving way, I just cried the whole way through it. Two of my favorite things (of many) in that talk were a quote from Orson F. Whitney, which read:
                             "No pain that we suffer, no trail that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire."
AND, this little insight:
"Christ CHOSE to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand US. Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand HIM and our eternal purposes."
To all of us the Savior said: "Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth." and "Fear not, little children for you are mine."
What comfort those words gave me, and I was blessed with them on a Sunday evening after a huge mental breakdown. Turns out feeling like you have the flu every day for two months will literally make you go crazy! Haha!
I want to end with one more blessings:
TIM!! Tim and I have had our ups and downs as every couple does.  At one point I closed myself off to him emotionally.  I didn't know how to be vulnerable. You can't let love in unless you're willing to be vulnerable.  Through this trail Tim has come home to a wife who looked (and sometimes smelled) like "for hell-sakes" had to get me food, do dishes, play with Isla, put laundry away, clean Isla's poop out of the tub (hehe) wake up with her when she was sick, (because if I was up too long in the night I would vomit and not be able to sleep) go grocery shopping etc, etc. Poor guy was worn out. But for some dang reason he still loved me.  He still held me at night, talked me out of my depression EVERY single time I had a meltdown, and the sweetest thing of all, he thanked me for sacrificing myself so we could grow our family.  My love for Tim has grown to depths I've never felt before.
So, as the Fiction Family song goes (that I sang incessantly):
Tell me I'm no longer
Tell me I'm not crazy
Well maybe just a little bit
Maybe just a little bit crazy
But mostly prove me wrong.

I'm a little bit crazy, but that's OK, it keeps me humble. Haha. This post was a lot, and I know that. I apologize if I've said to much, but this is me.


Jones Family said...

you are amazing! i had no idea it was that bad! i insist on bringing you dinner...and to think you guys were taking care of us. really, what great friends. we love ya!

Heide Gentry-Kemp said...

You are amazing!! You are an amazing mom, wife and at one point room mate! I look through your photos from time to time and see the joy you have as a mother and wife. You are amazing! Don't let anyone tell you any different! You are a great person stac and that is a huge trial and you are taking it with strides. You need to give yourself more credit in all aspects of your life because you deserve it. Tim is a great guy I thought that from back in the good ol days, but he is always very blessed to have you!
I remember time and time again, you and Tim in that small kitchen that we all shared back in Logan, laughing so hard you were crying! You guys are a perfect match and your sweet little girl just adds to the mix. You are a trooper and I miss ya lady! Hang in there it will get better. Tell Tim I say hi and every time I see a commercial of the Simpsons I think of him. Miss ya!

Adam and Aubrey said...

First off: CONGRATULATIONS!!! YAY FOR A NEW BABY!!!! I am so excited!!! YAY! (can you tell my excitement by my overuse of the exclamation point?!!!!)

Also... You should never ever ever feel like you're alone. I may not know exactly what you're going through, but you are loved and nobody (not even silly me) wants to see you suffer or be sad. And fyi, crazy?! Pretty sure I wrote the book on crazy! I feel like my brain is broken sometimes. I hit a wall fairly often and go a little nutso and hope that my family, ahem- husband, will still love me at the end of the crazy spell. I think that's just kinda how life is. We all have to go a little crazy to remotely understand each other. I LOVE the quotes you found. I really feel like you possibly wrote them in this post for me. You may not know it, but you sharing this may be an answer to prayers. Really.

I really hope you start feeling better. Nobody deserves to feel like shat for their whole pregnancy. You are an excellent mommy. Please keep us updated on your pregnancy!! The good AND the bad!! I think it's important to remember all aspects! That way you can either laugh later or realize how amazing you are for getting through it! YAY FOR A BABY!!!!

Melanie said...

Stacey....It's Melanie, Marci's friend, you used to cut my hair. Anyway, I saw your blog link on Marci's blog (I seriously think she's going to post something one of these days!!) and hopped over to see what you are up to. So, sorry to hear all that you have been going through. What a tough six months or so, huh? I guess I feel like I know you more than I do....and anyone that Marci speaks highly of is a friend in my book. Feel free to check out my blog if you'd like
Hang in there!

mel said...

Exciting news of a new baby! No good for the sickness but good for the growth that has come from it. Trials suck while going through them but with hindsight we can see how much we can come out on top from going through them. Plus by turning to the gospel for strength just goes to show you are definitely doing what the Lord would want.

BTW...every time I eat or make pistachio salad I think of you:)

stevie kay said...

Congratulations! I'm so happy for you. And you shouldn't feel bad about what you couldn't do when you were sick! I was so sick with Harrison in the exact same way (dry heaving all day and then throwing up all evening). Sleep was such a blessing because it was the only time I didn't want someone to come kill me. Anyway, you're not the only one who has had to put too much on their hubby's shoulders and neglected their other children, so you shouldn't feel bad. If anything, mine came out better for it and we got a cute new babe in the mix. Can't wait for you to share the details (boy or girl? due date?)

Jessica Pless said...

What great insights and such an amazing attitude during a difficult time! You are so awesome and we are so excited for your #2 kiddo!! Lots of love and we will pray that your morning sickness will vanish! xoxo

DarylandAshley Larsen said...

I love you Stacey! You are SO RIGHT with all of your comments. I can empathize with you. Going through what we did with Jace and then having him pass away, I could still look around and see someone else with a trial I wouln't want to be going through. You are so right that you should never minimize someones hardship because it is huge to them! We lost a tiny soul right before I got pregnant with Griffin and even that was so difficult. It is a loss. A great loss. No matter how tiny the soul it hurts. You love them from the moment you know they are there. I did the same thing to Daryl this last time. He had so much on his shoulders and I felt horrible, because I was the stay at home mom and he was doing EVERYTHING. It is hard when you have another child to take care of too. Good thing our husbands love us no matter what! Sorry for the novel, I could just really relate to your post. I am so happy for you and I am glad that you are starting to feel better! CONGRATULATIONS! The reward at the end is always worth what it took to get there! Loves and hugs!

Elena said...

Awwwww...just getting around to reading and catching up on your blog. How exciting that you are expecting!!! I'm sorry that you have been feeling so awful, and also sorry to hear you lost one. I did not know that. So glad to hear that you are somewhat feeling better. It is the WORST to be sick and still have to try to function somewhat as a mom. There really is just nothing like pregnancy sickness. You poor lady.