I have to write this post, if just for me. I have been beyond struggling with my weight and being okay with the way I look! I know, I know I just had a baby so why am I being so hard on myself? It's funny I never thought I was ever in very good shape, but now that I'm 15lbs heavier I would give anything to be my old self again.
I've been kind of aggresive about loosing the weight. I started off on meal replacement shakes almost right away and exercised as much as having a newborn and 3yr old would let me. Then my birthday came. And I ate cake, lots of cake. Then Isla's birthday came and I ate more cake. Then it turned into wanting treats after every meal and eating chocolate chips all night long. I felt totally out of control, and worst of all I was gaining weight. Dang. So I got angry and decided no sugar for me. I've done relatively good. I had a cookie at a wedding, some chocolate on my anniversary, and had some chocolate chips here and there. If I can keep it to this minimum, I'm good, but if I go out of control again, I fear I might have to cut sugar out completely again.
Today I stood in front of the mirror and wondered why I couldn't just love myself for who I was? Was it media? Was it that I felt unattractive for Tim? Was I uncomfortable in my own skin? Yes, yes, yes.
I got mad again. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be healthy and happy whatever that translates to as far as my body shape goes.
I thought about my body. It was time to focus on what it can do, not on what it looks like.
I've always had big legs, but these tree trunk legs have let me run for miles and miles.
I have soft arms, but these arms let little heads lay on them when they don't feel good, and wrap around people I love so they can feel my love for them.
My stomach is stretched and saging, but this stomach brought two sweet spirits into this world, that will change the world for the better, and me forever.
My sweaty, nail-bitten hands will change diapers, wash dishes, make meals, wipe tears, and hold the hands of those I love.
My body is mis-shapen and lumpy, but oh what this body can do. Our Father in Heaven has given us these bodies to use, and to serve. Having a perfect body in not required to enter the celestial kingdom!
So the next time I see a mommy with a less than perfect figure, I'll not judge.
Let's all just be healthy and focus on what we can do not what we look like! Today I feel thankful and empowered, but I know this feeling won't last so I wrote it down so I can read it often.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
I was worried turning 30 would be heck-a-hard, but it wasn't so bad, especially when you are surrounded by tulips!! This was literally the only thing on the planet I wanted to do for my birthday, and it was well worth it. My dad took these amazing pics, so enjoy the beauty of this magnificent earth that our loving Heavenly Father gave us!
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Introducing Grant Wayne Cardon!!! He came at about 11:47 on March 28th, I totally thought he would be born on the 29th, but came about 10mins too early! Enjoy the cute pictures taken by my awesome friend Catie Pilkington, but keep one eye closed when you look at pics of me. I do not have any make-up or hair done, not sure if I had even showered yet! Haha. I didn't expect to be in any pictures, but I love how cute Grant is in some of them, so I posted them.
The last time I had an epidural it took like 20mins for them to get it in, because I had "scoliosis" really? Anyhoo it was a bit traumatic, but it ended up working just fine, until they turned it off so I could push, but that's a different story for a different day. So I was nervous about getting the epidural again. The Dr calmed my fears told me everything would be great. So he put it in and I felt a shock all the way down my leg, and it freaked me out, and I almost passed out and vomitted. Then my heart-rate dropped, and they couldn't get it up so they put me on O2 and gave me shots and told me to never rule out a C-Section, because the baby wasn't liking this either.
After a couple hours I was feeling better, but my whole left side was so numb I couldn't even feel my leg, but my right side wasn't numb at all. They kept having me roll from side to side, but nothing was working and the thought of him messing with my epidural was too much. I'll just deal with it!
Then the real pain started! I could feel every contraction from the middle of my stomach down, and it was getting worse and worse. What was happening? Turns out when Grant dropped he was face up so the back of his giant head was pinching my nerve endings making the epidural ineffective. Really? That can happen? With all the advancements in medicine that can happen? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! How you women give birth voluntarily without an epidural is beyond me. I shook like crazy, holding onto the bed rails, and cried every time a contraction came. I kept saying "not another one, I can't handle another one!" And then it came anyway, and Tim held my hand while I shook and cried. Finally, I could feel him coming out, but my Dr was no where to be seen. They told me not to push, but he was coming out anyway, and pushing felt so so so good! My body wanted him OUT! Dr. Cannon came in I pushed three times and he was out! Whew! I can't tell you how good I felt afterwards. I was all pumped up on adrenaline. It was crazy! I loved life for about 2 hours, then the medicine that had pooled in my back went through my veins and I threw up and threw up and then fell asleep for like 3 hours and COULD NOT wake up! Haha
So in the end I told Tim no more kids. The pregnancies are too hard and the labors are too traumatic. The next day I knew there was one more. Dang it! Hopefully the next one will be a little easier on me, and I'm waiting a year before I even try unless the Lord has other plans for me. I need a breather!
On a positive note, Grant is a good baby. He had acid reflux, but is almost 2 months and is already growing out of it and doing better. I can't get enough of him. He is so sweet. I love babies! Isla is doing much better too. I told Tim after I had Grant I felt like my life got a huge drink of water. I just needed him. Life is better with him here.